Somali Pirates to acquire Citigroup
December 2, 2008 – 5:57 pm(hat tip Walnuts)
November, 2008 (Bloomberg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.
The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $100 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said. ”You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued a AAA investment grade rating for the PRBS’s.
Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets have allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”
Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coast guards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”
Bloomberg News 10:24 AM
CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION
WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE
SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP
PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN “INVESTMENT”, WILL PAY OFF
KASHKARI SAYS “SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’”
MOODY’S UPGRADE SOMALI PIRATES TO AAA
HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD “VERY LOW” PARTICPATION *
FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK
FED AGREED TODAY TO TAKE “WHATEVER STEPS” NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES
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22 Responses to “Somali Pirates to acquire Citigroup”
You have that story Backwards,
Citigroup is looking to acquire the Pirates….
They plan to replace current management with the Pirates, as they have shown that they can generate a profit while ripping people off.
By John Q on Dec 2, 2008
Love K(C)ashkari’s comment.LOL
By Me on Dec 2, 2008
After the announcement, the Pirates were downgraded by S&P, Moody’s and Fitch. Reasons given were that the acquisition would dilute earnings.
By jakedog on Dec 2, 2008
Don’t forget the incredible synergies of the merged operation. The Somali pirates would learn huge amounts from Citi’s salestraders and corporate financiers. By the time all corporate knowledge is fully networked - the pirates will have the whole Indian Ocean cleared of oil-tankers.
By wintermute on Dec 2, 2008
Reporter earlier on CNN, Robert Rubin denies advising Somali Pirates on takeover saying,”I did not have anything to do selecting profitable cargo ships to target for hijacking.” Mr. Rubin did disclose he only advised board members of said victim companies of “preferred sea routes,” a new derivative product linked to maritime navigation systems.
By Pablo on Dec 2, 2008
Don’t forget, the entire Anglo system started with piracy (and then slavery and drug dealing) so I guess you could say we’d just be returning to our roots.
By John on Dec 2, 2008
By acquiring a substantial interest in a USA bank, the pirates are now eligble for for a low interest loan backed by U.S. taxpayers.
We could make some money on this one;)
By shinola on Dec 2, 2008
I thought Paulson was funny. You guys are a scream!
By Ceaser on Dec 3, 2008
A birdie told me the pirates were thinking about issuing stock and going public. Their profit margins are the highest in the world and they promise to pay the highest dividends on the NYSE.
By Jenn++ on Dec 3, 2008
God Damn, that’s funny. Don’t read this early in the morning with a mouth full of coffee, or you will be cleaning your monitor.
By Ezra on Dec 3, 2008
This is so exciting! I always loved the story of Captain Hook as a child. The “ho-ho-hos” and the “bottle of rum..” conjured images that were both scary and titillating. Then the movie came and Dustin Hoffman was brilliant, wasn’t he? I personally think there’s still a market for such story-telling and I am fast at work ona screenplay (skipping the book, as these financial times and events are critical)and I want to see it on the big screen while contributing to America’s entertainment industry (one of the few we have left…so movie futures seem a good way to go–please recommend to your readers). Anyway, I am off to spend my morning at the keyboard creating “Captain Crook” and hope your readers will be standing in line at their local movie theatre soon. By the way, do you know if there are some government-backed small business loans for those who are pirates-squared? Of course that refers to pirating the pirates….ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!!
By Pirate Judith on Dec 3, 2008
Do you really think that the Somali pirates can survive in an industry full of real cutthroats and human scum with no consciences like the banking industry in America? Besides, they are used to being good at what they do and turning a profit without doctoring their balance sheets…unlike Citigroup.
By jeff f on Dec 3, 2008
Ah ha! The Crimson Permanent Assurance Agency lives!!!
By Jimbo on Dec 5, 2008
Will the rating be “AAA”, or “ARRRR”?
By andrew b on Dec 9, 2008